I Love You – I Can’t Live With You

I love you – but sorry… I can’t live with you.

I love you, babe! Moreover, I am in love with you! You are so hot, my love – I love you, really! But could you just be a bit less intense… please? Or just could you sometimes give me a bit of break?!

I like that you are so wet… most of the time, extremely wet. I like your moistness; it’s wonderful to see my nails and hair growing faster by feeling your wetness. However, do you always have to be so sticky humid? My skin is simply itchy because of it. I like you for loving up the pores of my skin, making my face look healthy, young, and fresh, and saving me on moisturizer – thanks. However, to be honest with you, I would not mind using moisturizer and feeling more comfortable in my physical body. This itchiness on my face, neck, and back and the heaviness of my body is just so annoying. I would rather sometimes use moisturizer for less humidity in return. I’d also prefer to see my hair the way I like it instead of the way you like it – curly and all over the place.

You are very mysterious, my love. I don’t know how you do it, but spending less than 24 hours with you, you managed to make me feel like my body grew again into a bigger size – with at least two numbers – even though I have eaten much less than I do in Europe. It gives me such a feeling of discomfort in my body. You can’t trick me anymore – I tested you! It is not about the food. It is not about whether I am eating more or differently. It is about your warm, wet nature. Maybe mysterious does not properly cover my feeling around this experience – it is actually rather annoying. Stop doing it! Be nice to my body. J

Don’t get me wrong, please. I do love you! I love your rich nature, your greens and special flowers, tasty fruits, and I even like your strange vegetables. You are very special to me! Otherwise I would not have come back to you again and again… for a visit. Sorry for that – I’ve realized that I just can’t live with you.

In addition to your nature, the nature of your people is quite intense for me. If I ask for advice from your people about how to get along with public transportation – such as crossing a river by ferry which is only a 200-meter walk from where I am standing and it would cost me, for example, 1.2 – your people suggest to me that I take a taxi for 70. It feels like you have the tendency to see in me a potential customer – all of the time. The way you offer me your help when I ask for it does not feel helpful; it does not feel like you are giving to me, it feels more like you are taking. I know it seems like I have more in the way of financial resources, still it does not mean I want to buy everything you have to offer. I wish I could buy it all – just to support you in your growth and expansion, but I can’t afford that either. Other times you offer to walk with me those 200 meters and show me the way, but still it feels like you do so because you want to ask me many questions: what is my name, where do I come from, how long am I staying, is this my first time here… just to mention a few of the usual ones. And if you manage to be quicker with your curiosity, then we happen to come to the special questions as well: am I married, do I have kids, if so how many, and where is my husband. J You are funny, hey?!

You managed to pull me into several directions. What do I mean by that?

Although your environment is sometimes too hot and humid, I like the lifestyle it offers. The open spaces, the fact that there is no need for windows, the easy, light clothing, warm mornings and comfortable nights – no big layers of clothes needed. Your open spaces opened me. The easygoing lifestyle you offer lessened the shield around me built up through a Western lifestyle. The lower stress your life generally offers has soothed me, taking me by surprise. My nervous system just turned away from agitation and irritation, and I became calmer and more positive. I was allowed to relax into my Self. For that, I am always grateful….

Looking into the vastness of your blue seas expanded me mentally and emotionally. On the other hand, when I am probed with all of those questions, I feel pushed to close down, to create a protective shield around myself so you can’t get through. It feels otherwise like you would get under my skin and come after me. You don’t seem to understand boundaries the way I do. You don’t seem to expect and accept a “thank you, no….” easily. It seems that you feel rejected by it, and at the same time draw the conclusion that I am cold, strange, or remote. No, my love, I am not remote, but I like to have boundaries that feel right for me.

Because I love you so much, and wished to spend as much time with you as I could, I moved in with you. Since then, we have had our good times. We have tried to accommodate both of our needs. I really appreciate that you offered your place for me to make it my home, my base. You did let me in, you hosted me, you nurtured me, you were patient with me. And me? I do love you and I am grateful to you. You are very special to me, and the time we spent together is unique and represents beautiful memories. Six years of my life! I’m never going to forget you and will always come back to you – I know, I feel, and I want to! I just can’t live with you. I was born in the West, and even though I became de-Westernized on many levels in those years I spent with you, I am still a woman from the West, and that is where I feel myself the best. I have to move out and on, my love. You will always live in my heart.

Üdvözöllek, Chandra vagyok.

Az elmúlt 10 évben rengeteg nőnek és férfinak volt szerencsém segiteni önmaguk felfedezésében. Van akinek ez az felfedezés az egyéni életcél megtalálásában segitett, másnak tartalmas kapcsolatok kialakitásában, megint másnak pedig a tudatos vezetővé válásban, ismét másnak nőiességének ill. férfiasságának megélésében.

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