Are you a ‘fuser’ or and ‘isolater’ in the relationship?

As you journeyed through childhood, you went through one developmental stage after another.⁠

The way your caretakers responded to your changing needs greatly affected your emotional health.⁠

More than likely, they coped with one stage of your growth better than another.⁠
They may have taken excellent care of you when you were an infant. Or as a toddler.⁠
Maybe felt threatened by your attraction to your opposite-sex parent when you were five or six.⁠
Maybe you have grown up with parents who met most of your needs, or only some of them.⁠
These unmet needs keep following your into adult relationship, even into your marriage.⁠


Don’t go into the next room!⁠
You might get hurt!⁠
When a little child often hear calling his / her parents out like the above it can easily get frustrated. Feeling controlled in its independence. Feeling like her autonomy is being denied.⁠
This control, can lead to (unconscious) fear of engulfment. This fear becomes a key part of her character, and in later years she becomes an ‘isolater’.⁠

An isolater is a person who unconsciously pushes others away. ⁠
Keeping people at a distance because she needs to have a ‘lot of space’ around her.⁠
She wants the freedom to come and go as she pleases.⁠
She doesn’t want to be pinned down to a single relationship.⁠
Underneath this desire for ‘independence’ is the little girl who was not allowed to satisfy her natural need for independence. ⁠When she marries, if at all, her need to be a distinct ‘self’ will be on the top of her hidden agenda.⁠ ⁠

Chandra⁠

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